The In-Between Time

By Marjorie Scaffa, Ph.D.

Liminal space – this is where many of us find ourselves now several months into this COVID-19 pandemic. The root of the word liminal comes from the Latin limen, meaning threshold, or a place of beginning or entering. It is the in-between time of grieving the old and uncertainty about the future. Although we may not like it, this is the process of change and transition and where transformation takes place if we learn to wait and sit with the discomfort of not knowing.

Change is often energizing and engaging. We saw this during the initial weeks of this crisis in the incredible outpourings of service offerings on social media. We saw this in the calls to “seize the moment” and use this time for personal growth. We saw this in the very real and dramatic shifts that businesses, governments, and educational systems across the globe made – without any playbook – to continue to serve the needs of the community.

In this liminal time, we are in a waiting space between two worlds. We will not be going back to the old as we knew it, and we do not know what the new will be. We are grieving the old and are uncertain about the future. Anyone who has experienced the loss of a loved one knows this experience of in-between time. It is crazy uncomfortable.

Some of the feelings many of you may be experiencing at this time include:

• Misplaced anger: Getting irritated or angrier than normal at people and things that would not normally make you upset. This may be driven by underlying thoughts like, “I can’t stand this!” and “When will this end!” as well as grief over the things that we are missing during this time.
• Difficulty focusing: As your brain tries to make sense of this transition, integrate all the information, and continue to move forward on a daily basis with the tasks at hand, you may find it more challenging to stay focused.
• Worry thoughts: “What will happen next?” “What should I do to prepare?” “How can I stay sane right now?”
• Antsy-ness: You maybe be noticing a sense of urgency in your body and mind to DO SOMETHING! You may have even taken action on those urges.
• Lethargy: A lack of energy to do much. This may be related to grief as well as the energy it takes to change and integrate new information. This needs to be honored.

These emotions and experiences are normal reactions to an abnormal situation. It is in our nature to avoid these uncomfortable feelings. However, it is when we step out of our comfort zone and practice being with the uncomfortable that the magic happens. Your patients will be doing this every time they are vulnerable and reveal themselves to you.

Here are some ideas for how to be with the uncomfortable feelings that may be arising at this stage of transition:

Remember that it is normal to feel restless, agitated and/or impatient. Our brains are wired for novelty. This drive is what helped us survive by keeping us curious and creative. You might say to yourself, “I’m feeling agitated. This is normal. Let me feel this.” You may be surprised how simply naming the feeling, in time, can help to soften it.

Get curious about you, including your capacity for tolerating difficult emotions. What are my habits? What do I typically do when I feel that little anxiety bubble creeping in? Do I pick up my phone? Do I eat? Could I sit with this feeling a little longer? A practice for this is what we call surfing the wave. Stress is like waves rolling into the shore. Some days the waves are small, barely a ripple, and other days, the waves are huge and overwhelming. There will always be waves. You cannot stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.

Here is the surf the wave technique:

1. When you notice a body sensation, thought, or feeling of discomfort, pause for a moment. 
2. Take three deep breaths, prolonging both the inhalation and exhalation.
3. Close your eyes and visualize being at the beach with a large wave taking form. This wave symbolizes your sensation, thought, or feeling of discomfort.
4. Watch as the wave reaches its peak and then starts to diminish and flow into the shore.
5. You should feel a sense of relief as the sensation, thought or feeling wanes.
6. Repeat the visualization as often as needed to reach a state of calmness.

You might discover that you have more capacity for being with uncomfortable feelings than you thought. This builds trust that we can handle difficult things and reminds us that we actually are resilient. This insight is huge! Uncomfortable experiences are going to keep happening (sorry!), and it’s good to know we can handle them.

Envision your future: Take a few minutes each day to reflect – and journal, if you can – about what you want for your future:

• What am I doing now that I have not been able to do before?
• Who do I want to be on the other side of this pandemic?
• How do I want my days to look?
• What do I want to bring to my life? to the world?
• What am I learning about myself now that I want to bring forward? What internal resources are showing up?

By spending some time listening to the quieter stirrings of our soul rather than reacting out of habit, we might discover some amazing things about ourselves, our relationships, and our deeper yearnings for the lives we want to create. The possibility for transformation is right here, if we are willing to shift out of the busy-ness of doing and practice being with – marinating in – the uncomfortable experience of liminal time.

Marjorie Scaffa, Ph.D., is a health and wellness counselor at the University of South Alabama College of Medicine.